Sunday, 10 June 2007

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Wonder wad dat meant. Juz purely circumstantial or an excuse? Am i playing a role i thought i had but don't? i dno.

Ok. Bro got hospitalised. Some viral infection of the gut thing(not dat the doc was explaining to us in english when she regurgitated the med mumbojumbo). Ya so anw got him to CGH at 12+ and after a series of consultations and admin papercrap he was all ready to meet the real doctor at last. At least dat was wad my dad and i tot. He was put on a drip and wired up to the bed, literally, wif needles and all. Got changed by the nurse(lucky him) and fell aslp. And me and my dad waited.

and waited.

and waited.

and waited.
(An hr later)
The nurse finally came in and said the doc was attending to some emergency stroke patient. And my dad went,"Its ok we can get another doctor." The nurse chuckled, gave him the ur-really-humourous look and said,"Thr's only 1 doc on shift in the whole frigging ward!" Ok she didn't exactly said dat. but she said it so matter-o-factly like we were SO dumb and not even apologetic to make us wait. And is it so common for only 1 doc to be on duty for the entire ward?? Anw we decided to be sympathetic gdhearted samaritans and wait.

and wait.

and wait.

(ok imagine a big void frm here to the end of eternity)

And at 3, a grey silhoutte(i dno if im spelling this right) emerges frm the cramped, dimly-lit aisle, talked to my dad for i swear a mere couple of mins and vanished. So 2-3 hrs of waiting bought us mins of face time wif doc. It looked dumb only after it all happened. Felt so freaking cheated la.

And now my parents are ranting to each other abt how unfilial their children are(me and bro). They talk as if its not worth taking care of us and threatening to do only the bare minimum. Dun say things lidat ok. Keep complaining abt life and crap. Ok wad my bro has done his short tempered behavior and wad-nots not my business, but love is abt unconditional sacrifices, and wad are they doing? I really dno if they feel ashamed having dat convo. Im really angry and accused now la.

And her. Shes perfect. Doing all a regular wadevr ucallit shld be doing, behaving normally. But why is it im feeling like im acting out of boundaries, like im mistaken of my standing in her heart and like some blinded fool acting mr.lover? This is all stupid. Or essential. Self-assurance slowly melts into denial; i cant differentiate which is which. This wud all be unfair and unjustified allegations against her if it were juz my paranoia but i still need to voice it out. before i explode. Love is a shady term undefined to me now when i compare wad im feeling now to wad ppl ard me are exhibiting, especially my parents. i dnodnodno.

Labels: confused